Everything I'm Not
by NuttyElla
Summary: It's just the same old story, over and over again, only with a different guy.


**A/N:** As of right now, this is a oneshot. However, I plan on doing something with it later, you'll see eventually. Just please read this and let me know if it makes sense? I hope you enjoy it!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the song or Instant Star blah blah blah...**

* * *

"Please welcome back--Jude Harrison!"

Recognizing her cue, a blonde girl walked into the room with her million dollar smile plastered on her face. She situated herself beside the VJ and was given a microphone. Once the applause had died down, the man spoke again.

"A lot has happened to you, Jude, since you first won the Instant Star competition with G Major records several months ago. There was Shay, your parents divorce, your flopping album, and your recent return from your first tour. I don't mean to sound like a shrink, but how does it all make you feel?

How did it make her feel? If he had asked her that a few months ago, she wouldn't have had a problem answering him. But now...she didn't feel anything.

"This has been my dream for as long as I can remember. Everything about it is exactly what I expected, but at the same time it's everything I didn't expect. I love and hate it, but I know at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. But it's tough sometimes, you know? Some days it takes everything you have just to get out of bed. But a Danish usually does the trick," Jude ended with a wink.

The VJ laughed accordingly and then asked, "So what's the main thing you've learned from this experience so far?"

"People. You learn who everyone truly is and whether or not they're worth fighting for to keep in your life. I'll tell you, every single person in your life will surprise you somehow, and you never know how it's gonna turn out. You might grow closer, or farther apart, or it could be the end of whatever you had. You learn who people really are. And you learn that you can't rely on anyone but yourself."

Everyone seemed a little taken back at Jude's answer, but the VJ just plowed ahead like the awkward moment never happened.

"All right, now Jude's going to perform her newest single...or is she? Because we all know what happened last time Jude was here to perform one of her songs for us. If you don't remember, let me refresh your memory..."

Jude forced herself to smile--she'd become good at that lately, faking it. But the pain still existed inside of her as she remembered singing "Skin" about her dad. A wave of bitter irony swept through Jude as she realized that once again the song she was getting ready to sing was dedicated to a guy in her life that had hurt her. Jude wondered how long it'd be until the other important males in her life decided to follow in the footsteps of her dad and...

"...and now I'll hand things over to Jude, who will be singing..." he left the sentence open for Jude to finish.

"Everything I'm Not."

She grabbed her guitar and went to stand in front of the microphone that was set up on stage for her. After adjusting the strap around her shoulder, Jude leaned in towards the microphone.

"This song is dedicated to a special someone; you know who you are. And I'm not the only one who's changed."

She turned around and nodded to the band waiting behind her to show that she was ready to begin. Once the first chord was vibrating through the air, Jude was transported to her own in which there were only two people: her and him.

_Oh no  
__Don't go changing  
__That's what you told me from the start  
__Thought you were something different  
__That's when it all just fell apart_

_Like you're so perfect  
__And I can't measure up  
__Well I'm not perfect  
__Just all messed up_

As she opened the song, Jude searched the room for a specific pair of eyes. Just when she was about to give up, there they were, in the very back of the room leaning against a wall. But they were there.

_I was losing myself, to somebody else  
__But now I see  
__I don't wanna pretend  
__So this is the end, of you and me  
__Cause the girl, that you want  
__She was tearing us apart  
__Cause she's everything  
__Everything I'm not_

Jude stared into those eyes; they stared right back. She wondered if he understood.

_It's not like I need somebody  
__Telling me where I should go at night  
__Don't worry you'll find somebody  
__Someone to tell how to live their life  
__  
__Cause you're so perfect  
__And no one measures up  
__Yeah all by yourself  
__You're all messed up_

He did. She could tell he did by the way his eyes hardened as the song progressed. Yep, he knew.

_I was losing myself, to somebody else  
__But now I see  
__I don't wanna pretend  
__So this is the end, of you and me  
__Cause the girl, that you want  
__She was tearing us apart  
__Cause she's everything  
__Everything I'm not_

Good. She wanted him to know that this was for him, and no one else.

_Now wait a minute  
__Because of you  
__I never knew all the things I had  
__Hey don't you get it  
__I'm not going anywhere with you tonight  
__Cause this is my life_

That was the problem with pissing off a rockstar. They could write a scathing song about it and then everyone would know. And that's what she had done, it's what she always did.

_I was losing myself to somebody else  
__But now I see  
__I don't wanna pretend  
__So this is the end, of you and me  
__Cause the girl, that you want  
__She was tearing us apart  
__Cause she was everything  
__Everything I'm not_

But she wondered if he really understood the song. Probably not. She bet all he knew was that it was about him and her. He wouldn't delve any deeper into it, because he didn't care. But she did.

_But now I see  
__I don't wanna pretend  
__So this is the end, of you and me  
__Cause the girl, that you want  
__She was tearing us apart  
__Cause she's everything  
__Everything...I'm not_

He was the one to look away. The song ended, and his eyes diverted to something fascinating. She knew that fascinating thing was basically anything but her.

The ensuing applause brought Jude back to reality. She couldn't decide which world was worse. In her opinion, they both sucked.

The guy--Jude couldn't even remember his name--wrapped up the show. Jude greeted some fans in the audience and signed several autographs before making her way to her dressing room.

Reaching it, she was so close to her asylum when a hands stopped the door from closing completely. That hand was familiar. It'd been there before, a very long time ago. Jude looked up to find a pair of eyes gazing intently back at her.

"Jude, that song--"

"Tommy, stop. We've been here before and I'm not going to repeat myself. Remember what I said back then? Pretend I'm saying it now. You didn't learn a thing, did you? You'll never change, Little Tommy Q." Quietly she added, "That's just too bad."

With that, Jude slammed the door in his face exactly like she had several months ago. A harsh smile crept across Jude's face as she recognized the tradition associated with this place.

The girl plopped down at her vanity table and cradled her head in her hands. It was a never-ending cycle, just like the rain. Except she liked the rain. She didn't like the sun, though. The rain was much, much better than the sun.

Jude remembered what had been going through her mind during those few blissful moments when she was in the rain on her sixteenth birthday. She was thinking of a quote she had heard a few times before: _Anyone who thinks that sunshine is pure happiness has never danced in the rain._

That saying was close, but Jude would've changed one word. Instead of "danced," she would've used "kissed." Yeah, that was definitely the better of the two, although dancing wasn't too bad as long as it wasn't going to be filmed for a music video. Then it just sucked.

A hesitant knock on the door disrupted Jude's reverie and caused her to look up, seeing the door reflected in the mirror.

And so it continued.

Jude didn't respond, and after a minute the person opened the door without invitation and walked in.

His gaze was on the floor, but he soon lifted his eyes and met the pair staring back at him through the mirror.

"Jude, can we talk?"

It was a couple of seconds before Jude replied, and when she did her tone was ice. "I think everything's been said already."

He released a sigh. "Don't be like that. I want to talk, so that obviously means I think there's still more to say. Tell me if I'm just wasting my time so I can leave."

"If anyone's wasting their time with this conversation, it's me. But go ahead, you have five minute before EJ comes back."

Another sigh escaped from his body. "What do you want from me, Jude? Huh? I don't know what to do about this...about us."

"First of all, there is no us, not anymore--you took care of that. And what do I want from you? I don't want anything. You're the one who came to me, not the other way around."

"My God, Jude! You're never gonna change! You will always be the most stubborn person that I wish I never knew."

Normally that would've stung, but Jude was indifferent towards the statement. She'd been called a lot of things since she started in this business and she knew how to brush them off. Still, hearing something like that from someone she used to be so close to should have hurt her. But all of the people close to her had hurt her so many times before that their remarks were easy to brush off, too.

"Whatever," she replied with the air of someone who really doesn't care. And she didn't, not anymore. Actually, she hadn't cared about anything for a long time.

He ground his teeth, praying that he would be able to keep his cool and not strangle the blonde he was talking to. Assault and homicide charges were just what he needed.

"Look, I'm sorry, ok? I don't know what else to say, I don't even know what I want to say, and I sure as hell don't know what you want to hear. You know, after all this time that I've known you and everything we've done together, Jude, I still haven't been able to figure you out. You're like the eighth world wonder. No one know really knows anything about you except for speculation. And you're never gonna let them know anything, are you?"

Jude began to clap, a slow, mocking applause once he'd finished. "Bravo. You finally grew some balls--about time. And I love the metaphor, it's really--"

"Cut the crap, Jude. Can you be serious for two minutes so we can get through this and never have to speak to each other again?"

There was a pause, and then Jude spoke in a voice practically absent of any emotion. "You want me to be serious? Fine. You're right, I've closed myself off, to everyone. And I have to you to thank for part of that. But don't worry, you're not the only one. There are way too many people out there intent upon screwing with my life for you to be the sole cause of my sorrow, although I don't think 'sorrow' is the right word.

"What do I want from you? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I want..._this_ to just be over and for us to move on from each other. And you should know by now that my only way of doing that is through a song. So that's what I just sang was, a farewell to 'us.' You know, at the beginning, you made me promise you that I'd never change. And I did. But you know what? That promise was worthless because change is something you can't help. And that's definitely something you know, because you're a prime example. You were so worried about me changing that you forgot to take notice of yourself."

She took a deep breath, then began shaking her head. "This is pointless. Seriously. You and I both know it. Let's just shove everything in a closet and say good-bye."

"Ok. If that's what you want, then I'll do it."

Jude never thought it'd be that easy to get him to agree, but he had changed, so she shouldn't have been that surprised. She was just glad he didn't want to start analyzing every word of her song. Honestly, she thought everything in it was pretty self-explanatory. But she'd learned to never underestimate the male race...

They both started to get up and headed for the door. He opened the door and walked through it, but right before she closed the door he turned back around to face her.

"Hey Jude, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, but I'm not guaranteeing an answer."

"You never did before, I remember." He stared at his shoes for a moment, then looked up and locked eyes with Jude. "Was that song about me?"

What a dumb question to ask. Of course it was. But then again, he was a guy...

Jude thought of all the different ways she could answer this simple question. Finally she decided on one she'd used before that had worked quite effectively.

Meeting his eyes, she spoke.

"Get over yourself, Andrews. Not everything's about you."

And with that, she slammed the door in his face, a bitter smile still lingering upon her face.

_Fin._


End file.
